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Friday, 10 February 2017

The Pregnancy Rollercoaster

The Pregnancy Rollercoaster...

Blissfully unaware less than two months after our honeymoon, Jono & I found out we were expecting our little baby girl & called all the closest people to us, to tell them the news. Over the moon I had visions of myself as this glowing pregnant chick who took everything in her stride, kept up her gruelling gym routine & healthy eating plan, & who batted off the pregnancy hormones like the good little Mercy girl I had learned to be.


What I instead found was that no one quite prepared me or warned me about the difficulties I would face physically & mentally as my little one progressively grew inside my belly. Perhaps that is a good thing - perhaps the knowing would make it simply too much of an anxious time, or... maybe I could have mentally prepared myself just a little bit better if I had really known what was coming (& maybe my husband could have too).
Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful & amazing feeling the movements of our eagerly awaited bundle of joy (& she is such a mover), & yes the excitement of decorating a nursery & buying all the little miniature clothes are all extremely real, not to mention how grateful we are that getting pregnant was so easy for us when for some it can be a heart breaking journey of ups & downs... but it is also very real that there is so much more to the 40 weeks than I could have imagined, & women all over the world should quite frankly received medals of honour for every child they carry.

I wish someone had told me that I would feel so exhausted that all I'd want to do is sleep, but that it would be impossible to sleep because my legs would be jumpy, sciatic pain would wake me up every time I rolled over, leg cramps would rudely & abruptly launch me out of my strange dreams, acid reflux would mean I'd need to sleep sitting up, & still other less pleasant symptoms would cause getting in & out of bed a mighty challenge.

I wish someone had told me that my body would force me to stop my exercise routine one burpee & one step class at a time until in the last month even walking has become a difficult & gruelling task. I wish I'd been expecting that it was going to be physically impossible for me to navigate a bump, acid, back pain & lots of other pain, & still keep up with all the other ladies in lycra.

Most of all I wish someone had warned me that my emotions would be a rollercoaster. That one week I may be able to deal with the most difficult or painful of circumstances, & the next week I'd feel like the whole world was against me & I'd struggle just to get out of bed never mind to brave my way through social situations. This didn't really hit me until around Christmas time when gradually I found my fatigue was making me irritable, bringing up old battles, & eventually in the last couple of weeks, causing me to be someone even I didn't want to be around, never mind other people (& don't even mention the new friends we'd met who have no previous context on me & now must think I'm a completely unstable lunatic - I promise I'm not... often).

It is funny though. Even through all of this & more, I know that Jesus is still my answer & still my rock. Over the past week I have been digging out some of the tools I learnt at Mercy trying to bring myself back to a better & more manageable state. What I found at first was that this was really difficult because I had subconsciously chosen to partner with the negativity & the lies that I was being fed, & I'd chosen to wallow in the self pity of difficult circumstances Jono & I were facing that previously we had been dealing quite with well. I'd also allowed after months of positivity, the physical symptoms & raging hormones to get the better of me.
It was only the other morning when I woke up & remembered the number one principle that I learnt in my time at Mercy. This is the principle of CHOICE. I suddenly remembered that I had a choice in how I was going to let my day pan out. Yes, I'd still have to battle all the same things, but I could choose to do this with dignity & joy, focusing on the blessings that far outweigh the challenges. And you know what?... That one choice (& I've had to continually make that choice as the days progress), has completely changed the way I have approached the last few days & I've felt the cloud & fog I was walking through, start to lift. It sounds very easy & it's really not. It took me a good number of weeks to grasp it & to be ready to fight the battle head on. I've had to read materials Mercy gave me multiple times a day & I've ranted at friends & family more times that is probably okay, but it's working. The power of choosing God's way & partnering with Him instead, is always the answer in anything we face.

What I'm focusing on now is that I already completely love & adore the little girl that is causing all these challenges in my body. I love her unconditionally & feel so privileged to have be given one of God's daughters to look after for the rest of my days. I can't wait to meet her! I know there are going to be challenges ahead (& ladies I'd appreciate the heads up on some of these), but I am going to be the best mumma I can be through the terrain that we will walk as a family. And I have a wonderful hubby to go the distance with.

The power of choice is incredible.
The power of God is mighty.
The love a mother can have for a child is all consuming.

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