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Wednesday, 9 March 2016

My Mercy Chapter

It’s been a while since I have sat down & written a blog entry. I guess a lot has been going on in life… Mm… yes that’s an understatement.
Almost 10 months ago I entered the Mercy Ministries Program (Now Mercy UK) to find freedom from the things in my life which had me bound up. I’d been struggling under the surface for such a long time – appearing as though I had it all together to those who played the role of onlooker in my life, or to those I was trying to help in my journey to becoming what I thought was the best Proverbs 31 woman I could be. But to those close to me, it was evident that my life was moving further & further away from that person. I had become a passive bystander to my own life, watching it going downhill & feeling both powerless to change it, & scared to try. I’d been toying with going to Mercy for a few years, but I also had (& have) a really strong vision to be someone who works at Mercy, & so I was afraid that if I admitted that I needed to actually GO to Mercy, then that vision God gave me would never come to fruition.

So instead I continued to pretend everything was okay, thinking that I could fake my way to the place I wanted to be…
The thing with pretending is that it catches up with you. You cannot fake your way through life (particularly with a life controlling issue), & remain standing at the end of it. We cannot possess the freedom Christ died for us to have, the freedom that is already ours, by faking it. I know that now. Freedom feels so different to pretence. I can now laugh … and really laugh. Attend events & not be overwhelmed by anxiety. I can do things with balance & measure. I can plan a future that’s not based around the lies I believe in my mind.
I also know however that I have weak spots & that the enemy can & will try & use those against me to bring me back down into the chaos I was living in. And you know what? Some days, some weeks… he totally wins. But life post Mercy means that not only are those times far less frequent than before, but also I now have the tools to pick myself up far quicker than I ever could before. Whereas one bad day who have led to an awful month. Now, at the end of the day, I make the choice to live tomorrow differently & to see each new morning as a new opportunity, a day where God mercies are new for me. I no longer stand in the mirror & recite the words, ‘You screwed up, you are hideous, you are disgusting’... instead I fight back by speaking truth over myself & I’ve changed the words I declare to ‘Yesturday wasn’t so great… it was a 2 …but today can be a 10. You are loved, beautiful, the apple of His eye, seen, known, & totally secure in His hand. Today Becky, He is fighting for you’. Our words have so much power. We need to be so careful what we speak over ourselves & others. Don’t become a self-fulfilled prophecy.

I have come to know this for sure. When God gives one of His sons or daughters a vision for something great… the enemy seeks to ‘kill, steal & destroy’. That is his role here on earth. His mandate is to get in the way of God’s plans & destroy what He loves most… His people. When I moved to Southend to pursue a vocation to serve God helping broken people find their perfect Father, the enemy saw. He knew my weak points & what buttons to press, & he was more than happy to push them. Unfortunately I didn’t have the tools to know how to defend myself… & I fell. I fell hard. I have so many regrets about my time in Southend, but God in is his mercy & grace works all things for the good of those who love Him, & so even in the midst of chaos… there are so
many wonderful things I can take from my time there. For one, in 10 weeks I marry Jono who I met through our ministry in Southend. That’s a pretty amazing thing to find when your world is upside down, & it is a testament to him for his perseverance. He always says that he saw glimpses of Becky underneath it all, & that God promised Him that He would bring me out of it all someday. I also may never have had the courage to go to Mercy & make the choice to fight for my freedom – freedom that I’d never possessed before. I think I needed to reach a point of complete utter helplessness before I would make the choice to put myself first & take those months out of life & head to the Yorkshire Dales. Before I always said, “Me? I don’t have time to take that kind of time out of my life. I’m too busy playing Jesus & being so heroic. Plus, what would people think?”. Needless to say I was humbled down to earth with a bang. I learnt to that it doesn’t matter even one iota what people think. What matters is that we get ourselves right with God.

At Mercy I learnt to make choices everyday which bring change to my world & ultimately for those around me. Not only is my life transformed, but Jono for one lives in a very different daily reality. Today I have a CHOICE about my attitude, about my actions, & about what I focus my mind on. I am learning to think on things which are pure, lovely & admirable… instead of partnering with fear & anxiety. Not every day is perfect, & some are far from. But my life today is so far from my life a year ago, having finally accepted that God loves ME & not just everyone around me. I DO have the power to change my own life for the better & to control my own behaviour. I am physically, spiritually & emotionally 100x healthier & happier than I ever remember being & I can see a growth & maturity happening in my thought patterns.
My hopes for the future with my God & my husband-to-be are ones of adventure. I long for an adventure that takes us out of our comfort zone, far from the norm or what might be expected of us, & deep into the mission field of the God who rescued me from the pit. A hope for a life void of fear & anxiety. In the Mercy house we had an inside ‘Room 2’ joke from a time when I was sitting in my room like a spoilt 5 year old & all I could say was ‘My life is void of joy’. It became a bit of a joke as I say… but actually how sad it is for me to think back to all of those years where that was my truth. Today my life is so FULL of JOY. What a transformation I feel in my heart.
The day I first experienced this in its fullness, I was sitting in a classroom at Mercy asking Jesus where He was & if He would let me really sense Him & show me a place where we could just hang out. This probably sounds bizarre to many of you, but what I saw in my mind in the stillness of that room, was a set of swings in an empty playground, & the invitation to get on the swings & just play. When I’m anxious now, or when I’m in worship, I picture that swing set & I meet with Him there. That picture for me is a picture of joy.
I believe God’s promises & that my vision for Mercy is still His vision for me. I don’t believe it has changed. In fact I believe that this was part of it & God will use it. It’s hard for me to totally envision that right now, but I’ve learnt that God is much bigger that the parameters of my imagination, hopes or dreams. So I’m not freaking out about it. He will bring His vision to life in His timing. And I WILL partner with Him & follow Him.

Things I KNOW to be true...

I am His daughter.
He is my perfect Father.
Freedom is & was & always will be mine for the choosing.
I am worthy, valued & loved.
I have a great purpose in my Fathers plan.
In the choice of life & death (‘oh that you would choose life’-Deut 30:19)… With the help of my saviour I CHOOSE LIFE.
This choice is for YOU too.
If you are struggling or faking your way through your walk with God, or your day-to-day with the people around you. Take a chance on yourself. Let your guard down, reach out for help, & find freedom. I promise it tastes GOOD!!!

You are worth it.
B x

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